Tired

It's nearly 10am, I'm sitting in my ever colder growing car in Provo Canyon. Ellcy is quietly snoring in her car seat and I'm waiting for her to wake up so we can go for our beautiful run up the canyon to Bridal Veil Falls. I could wake her but concidering the long sleepless night we had last night I'm pretty sure she's got to be as tired as I am. The hubs got up with her multiple times last night but it doesn't seem to matter.  I haven't had a full nights sleep in over 9months and it is taking it's tole on my old bones.

You may be thinking , as am I, "how can you complain about a little lost sleep when you have this beautiful miracle baby ?" I don't have a reasonable answer, mostly because my brain is pure mush. I feel ungrateful to find any thing to even entertain the thought of complaining about but here I am, so tired I can't think straight, so tired  I dread night time because it's only a tease. Truth be told I can make it through the days miraculously well so I continue to be watched over and blessed so i try really hard every day to remain grateful. Last night was simply extra long and fruitless.

I've talked with two people lately with relatives who have a child with hypo plastic left heart. The first are friends who didn't dare say anything to us until they realized how well Ellcy is doing. Their cousin's baby girl made it to the age of 7 and passed away during surgery #3. THAT is my worst nightmare, I haven't asked for a miracle, but I have asked that I atleast be with her should she need to leave this life sooner than we'd like. The second friend is in our ward and their cousin's (or niece?) baby is Ellcy's age but has been on life support for the last couple of weeks.  He is finally breathing on his own but they don't know about brain function yet.

You see now why I have such guilt struggling with something as minor as sleepless nights? I'm hoping my time about to be spent in nature will help me find some peace and grattitude, that and a good nap later this afternoon.

It truly is beautiful out here. I think I'm ready now to get her out and strap her in, she'll usually go back to sleep in the  stroller any ways and if not maybe our chances of a nap TOGETHER later will be more likely.