I wasn't prepared...

You think you've been through it all in your head, that you've been told the plan a million times by a million different amazing doctors and nurses, and that you 've read everything there is to read. You've even toured rhe CICU and seen other babies hooked to far too many tubes. But nothing can prepare you for THIS day, the day it's happening ro your 4 day old beautiful innocent angel. You can't begin to comprehend giving your baby a kiss for what may be the last time in this life, or watching her be wheeled  through the OR doors knowing they are going to stop her heart -until you've experienced it. After waiting for nerve racking hours and finally getting the good news that everything went well you assume seeing her again will bring relief and joy....then you see her, only she doesn't look like the baby you kissed earlier, the one that atleast looked healthy. And you helplessly look at her wondering if you can find a spot of skin to touch amidst all the tubes and wires,hoping you made the right decision to put her through it all. Then, when you think you've cried enough for a life time you climb in the car, leaving the hospital for the first time and leaving her behind in the care of strangers...they are wonderful, capable, and sensitive but strangers non-the-less.

We have real reason to celebrate this New Years and yet I don't feel like celebrating...not yet.

Ellcy Ava...happy birthday Dec 27, 2012

Surgery Dec 31, 2012

I've been up since 4 am....AGAIN. We are just 2 painfully short hours away from surgery #1 (called the Norwood). Oh how difficult it was to leave her bedside last night. Ellcy is SO beautiful, so sweet, and she looks completely perfect. How is it that such a small person who has been on the earth only 4 short days already changed our lives and stolen our hearts?

Delivery day??? Nope

Well, it's Saturday December 21, 2012...the world is still turning and I am not in the hospital having a baby. The future is always a mystery :)

We had an ultrasound yesterday, my sweet baby girl has lots of hair!! The doctor decided that we could try holding off a little longer, give Ellcy more time to grow and allow us to be home together for Christmas. I'll admit at first I was  disappointed....emotionally I'm done with the waiting. But I've since realized how much better this will be for everyone.

Perhaps I never explained why the uncertainty with her arrival. For Ellcy's sake the longer she can stay in the womb the better, however I also have placenta pri via, which is why I have to have a c-section and why they originally wanted to take her at 37 weeks (today). Still, with a promise to take it extra easy, stay close to the hospital, and to come it at the first sign of ANY bleeding- we've bought her time. It may not sound like a miracle but we have been fighting for this for quite a long time with all the different doctors. Another blessing :)

I feel a little bit like a time bomb just waiting to go off. I'd much rather have a planned c-section than an emergency one but, once again it all goes back to putting my trust in my Heavenly Father and listening to the spirit. I feel much calmer and full of peace today than I have in a while...so all must be well.

My new delivery date? I don't know (again). We meet with the doctors in another week and we shall see. We might even get to the first of the year!

 1-3-13 is kind of a cool date :)

Okay, I told you I was technically challenged...just figured out how to post a new update.

How it all began.....

We thought it would be like every other ultra sound we'd had with our 4 other children. Tracy and I both ignored the feeling that he should be there....we'd done it before. But as the doctor got quiet and his expression changed to one of deep concern I knew I wanted Tracy there. "I'm very concerned" the doctor repeated over and over, something about one side of the heart being too small, Hypo..something. I couldn't remember. He led me out to the receptionists desk to help me make an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine at Utah Valley Hospital. I kept it together until I got to the car and called my hubby. But things would be okay right?

I started researching on the computer until I came across Hypo Plastic Left Heart Syndrome, I think that was what he called it. As I started reading my heart became very heavy and something in me knew this was exactly what we would be dealing with. Tracy and I decided not to say anything to anyone because we really didn't know any thing for sure. It was difficult to act like everything was normal and fine.

Ultra sound #2 arrived and it was just as they thought. They gave us a little bit of information, but not much...they'd leave that up to the pediatric cardiologist, another long wait.

The cardiologist gave us 3 options. #1 Let her come (did I mention she's a girl?) and live out her short life with out medical assistance (1-2 weeks). #2 Wait for a heart transplant (not recommended). Or #3 a series of three open heart surgeries with a  70% survival rate. We immediately chose option 3. Her purpose may be to spend a very short time on this earth but we knew we wanted to do everything we possible could and leave the outcome in the hands of our Heavenly Father.