I wasn't prepared...

You think you've been through it all in your head, that you've been told the plan a million times by a million different amazing doctors and nurses, and that you 've read everything there is to read. You've even toured rhe CICU and seen other babies hooked to far too many tubes. But nothing can prepare you for THIS day, the day it's happening ro your 4 day old beautiful innocent angel. You can't begin to comprehend giving your baby a kiss for what may be the last time in this life, or watching her be wheeled  through the OR doors knowing they are going to stop her heart -until you've experienced it. After waiting for nerve racking hours and finally getting the good news that everything went well you assume seeing her again will bring relief and joy....then you see her, only she doesn't look like the baby you kissed earlier, the one that atleast looked healthy. And you helplessly look at her wondering if you can find a spot of skin to touch amidst all the tubes and wires,hoping you made the right decision to put her through it all. Then, when you think you've cried enough for a life time you climb in the car, leaving the hospital for the first time and leaving her behind in the care of strangers...they are wonderful, capable, and sensitive but strangers non-the-less.

We have real reason to celebrate this New Years and yet I don't feel like celebrating...not yet.